I went there thinking I was going to make a difference in the lives of the people there, when actually they made an extraordinary impact on my life.
This little girl in the picture with me is Nadia. She was 4 years old when this picture was taken. We formed a great attachment and leaving her was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I often wonder how she is doing now.
I am not the victim, the Enemy made me believe that I was. I am not reduced. I am not ugly. I do not contribute to my own sorrow.
The Enemy made me believe that I amounted to the worth of the trials and negativity that I encountered.
You gave me the gift of presence. I know You created me to effect.
Unfortunately, I hid it. I polluted it. In which the Enemy and his forces that work in others delighted. This led me to ignore You. This led me to believe the pollution, even several times in the face of You, Lord.
But God, you work. You are the most persistent. Your love is the everlasting. Yours is the love that is meant to reign in our hearts.
And when You knew it was right, when You knew I had no choice but to listen with an open heart; You showed me the pollution I allowed to be placed upon and mask my heart. Mask my good.
I knew that was not of me. I am of You. I am of love. I took that contamination and decided to let it go in favor of Your love.
I have invited You in. I have welcomed You into my heart. You have risen to my request to heal the damaged corners and weakened columns that you worked to uphold all along.
There You have made a home. In that home, You grow Your love. You, strengthened by myself. You, strengthened my faith. You, unscathed and pure, are my Lord.
I am not going to be on Facebook during the month of November. Why? Because it has become a distraction and an addiction, and you find out way too much about some people on FB. That is what I tell people when they ask. Then they look at me with an odd look on their face and ask why that's such a bad thing. Then I usually just laugh it off and change the subject to something more interesting. To be completely honest, some things should just not be put on Facebook. I am going to have a wonderful month, Facebook free! So hello blogging! :)
My time of peace is usually when I'm driving. I love to drive, there is hardly anything better than an open road and some chill music to keep me company. God has a pretty cool way of making Himself evident to me. This morning, as I was driving to work, I was stopped at a stoplight and I could hardly see the light change because the sun was so bright behind it. At first I was like "Oh no, I can't see!" and then I looked beyond the stoplight and saw the sun shining in through the clouds. It was so beautiful to see God's easel right in front of me. Cold chills ran up my arms as I waited for the light to change to green. Pretty cool, huh?
I haven't been myself lately, as I've been told. The past is behind me now, tomorrow is a new start. You know who gets to make the decisions for my life? I do. That's right, I am the one that determines whether I am going to have a good day, week, month, year, life. God has given me the strength and ability to face each day. I'm still here, aren't I?
We only have one chance at life. Live it to the fullest, take chances, write thank you notes, smile at strangers, gaze at the stars, travel the world, write a song and sing it to the birds, jump in a huge pile of leaves, surprise your momma with fresh flowers, do something nice without being asked to, do something totally unexpected, and remember to love with everything in you.
I am going to have an awesome week. No matter what God decides to throw my way, everything will be okay because He is in charge.
I haven't truly updated in forever. No one really looks at this anyway.
My life has been pretty chaotic lately, I guess in a good way. Maybe.
I've learned many things about myself the past couple weeks. I've learned I'm a lot stronger than I thought, even through my numerous breakdowns. I haven't really been my normal bubbly self, and if you've been around me and I've been grouchy, I would like to give you my deepest condolences.
The song that sums me up today is Lifehouse's "Broken". I'm not trying to be all sappy and depressed, promise. It just truly describes what I'm experiencing in life right now.
"I'm hangin' on another day, just to see what you will throw my way.
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say, you said that I will be okay."
God never said this life would be easy, be He did promise that we wouldn't journey it alone.
Also, something totally not related to this...Every time I hear the song "Good Riddance" by Green Day, I pretty much burst into tears. It reminds me of all the fond memories I've had the pleasure of experiencing. I miss 4-H, I'd give anything to rewind time to about 2 years ago.
Anyway, I saw a cute little image with an older couple on it. It read, "I love seeing old couples. It makes me realize that actually someone can love you forever."
I can't help it, I'm a hopeless romantic.
Sorry, this blog has been super spontaneous and all over the place. My thoughts are like that :)
You got sapphire eyes and that's okay. I've seen that before, it's nothing new. You can look at me that way if you want. But don't let me fall in love with you. You got one of those smiles I've heard about, that can tear a soul in two. Almost afraid to see you happy. I just might fall in love with you.
Don't let me fall, don't be so cruel. Don't let me fall, if I can't have you.
When we touch electricity gets through. It's a good trick if you can do it, To make me fall in love with you.
Don't let me fall, don't be so cruel. Don't let me fall, If I can't have you.
You talk with tongues of angels. And there is grace in all you do. My heart aches to see you sway like that. Oh, please, please don't let me fall in love with you. Please, please don't let me fall in love with you.
I never quite understood John Mayer's song, "Waiting on the World to Change". Why must we wait for change? Instead of complaining about how horrible the world is, why don't you get up and do something. The condition of this world is in OUR hands. Go pick up the trash you see on the side of the road. Help someone get back on their feet. Listen when someone talks to you, don't just nod on cue.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." -James M. Barrie.
Everyone is facing some kind of giant. Some people hide it so well that no one ever notices.
And I thought about how many people have loved those songs. And how many people got through a lot of bad times because of those songs. And how many people enjoyed good times with those songs. And how much those songs really mean. I think it would be great to have written one of those songs. I bet if I wrote one of them, I would be very proud. I hope the people who wrote those songs are happy. I hope they feel it's enough. I really do because they've made me happy. And I'm only one person. -The Perks of Being a Wallflower
A few songs that have had a tremendous impact on my life:
One of these days the sky's gonna break and everything will escape and I'll know One of these days the mountains are gonna fall into the sea and they'll know That you and I were made for this I was made to taste your kiss We were made to never fall away Never fall away
One of these days letters are gonna fall from the sky telling us all to go free But until that day I'll find a way to let everybody know that you're coming back, you're coming back for me 'Cause even though you left me here I have nothing left to fear These are only walls that hold me here Hold me here, hold me here The only walls to hold me here
One day soon I'll hold you like the sun holds the moon And we will hear those planes overhead and we won't have to be scared We won't have to be scared, we won't have to be scared
You're coming back for me You're coming back for me You're coming back to me
I find this song so chilling, but yet so beautiful. It could be taken as simply a love song for two lovers apart by circumstance. It is very possible that the epic imagery is based off of biblical events such as the end of the world. There are undeniable religious themes in the song, the sky breaking and mountains cast into the sea, along with fear of planes flying overhead strongly suggest apocalyptic themes and the second coming. It reads "we were made to never fall away". One thing to note is that the lyrics not only pertain to the speaker but to us all.
I wonder why music means so much to me. Music, more than anything else, takes a soul into outer space and it says, “Be free”. It’s like a good book. You ESCAPE. There’s something about peace that drives me up a wall, the kind of peace that is like running through the woods yelling “I am free”. I strive for the true meaning of life and not the materialistic-life society that we are surrounded by.
God is the only reason I am who I am. I may not be perfect, but I find refuge in His love. I know that He knows my heart, and He is the only one who can save me through relationship and faith.
I want to go to a park, lay in the grass, and see stars come to life. I want to see princesses and unicorns among the clouds. I want to see them and believe they're there. I don't want to pretend.
I want to write the book that has been floating in my head for twenty years, and I want you to read it. More than that, I want it to punch you in the gut. I want you to feel it.
I want to be the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend.
I want to talk on the phone for hours and catch up, without once racking my brain for what to say next.
I want to be hopelessly lost without being hopelessly afraid.
I want to know where I'm going.
I want to be okay with not knowing.
I want a bookshelf that reaches the Heavens that holds all the books I've ever read, and all the books I want to read.
I want to save the world.
I want to be the girl that the song is about. I want someone to write poems about me, but then again, I don't. I want to be the girl that cannot be captured with words.
I want to take a road trip with no destination, but away, and nothing but a full tank of gas and people that make me laugh.
I want to read a poem to an audience, and I want them to know that I have given them a piece of me.
It's so hard to stay upset when there's so much beauty in this world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart feels up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. -American Beauty You know, I can't help but feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my life, the life I take for granted.
One thing I have learned about life is that it goes on. The sun will rise tomorrow whether you want it to or not. This semester everything changed: My responsibilities, my sense of home, and especially my friendships. I had to make a radical change and purge all that was close to me last year in order to move on. It was hard, but I have changed because of it. Truth is, it was the best thing that could happen to me. God has provided me with a job that I love and friends and family that care about me.
Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worse, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within. -Sigmund Freud
When people would talk about what they want to be remembered for, I would usually not contribute to the conversation, not really having the slightest clue. But now, I have an answer for this: I simply want to be remembered for loving. Loving others, loving knowledge, loving nature, loving life, loving music, loving God, and loving laughter. I just want to love and be loved, and be remembered for loving.
I am starting a blog because I think my life is immensely interesting and should be documented. Kidding. The main purpose of this is to share musical recommendations, talk about good books, share insightful quotes, talk about what life means to me, and to attempt to make sense of things.
I went on a mission trip in 2008 to Peru. 
